The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin

Family Guy Season 13
Family Guy Episode 6
On a trip to the Quahog Mall before Christmas, Peter and Lois bump into Jesus and discover that he is still hanging around Quahog due to not being entirely comfortable dealing with his own home life with God. Jesus invites Peter over to his place; However, since it is a depressing bachelor apartment, Peter invites him out with the guys to have a drink. There, they start to plan a birthday party and discover that he has never had sex. To make his birthday special, they promise to help him lose his virginity. As Lois advises Peter to be gentile with his attempt, they take Jesus out where he experiences multiple failures. Trying the internet, Joe's inquiry into the age of a girl on Peter's computer cuts things short.

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As Peter mopes about striking out, Lois tries her hand and takes Jesus out to find out his likes. She encourages Jesus to be himself, but her nice manners cause him to want to sleep with her. Approaching Peter about his issue to help him, Peter is shocked but agrees to help when Jesus promises him an expensive massage chair in return for sleeping with Lois. He lets Lois know about Jesus' interest in her and she reluctantly agrees. As they head out together, Peter enjoys his chair but has a fantasy of Lois and Jesus having sex and has second thoughts. These are confirmed when other members of the bar confirm that Jesus does the stunt of playing loser single guy to sleep with a lot of women. Peter tries multiple ways to get to their liaison to stop things, eventually settling on borrowing a toboggan. He finds the hotel where they are staying and rushes to the room to find they no cheating took place as Lois decided that their marriage was too good. Jesus applauds their “lesson”, spinning a tale of resisting temptation, and leaves them to celebrate their Christmas.

Rupert's gift to Stewie was not what was expected as it is revealed that a heart necklace he saw purchased is for Mayor West.